oh the joys of marriage

you know what sucks? since no one is around to comment.. ill just tell you, cause i could be waiting awhile. Parents that fight. When i was younger, i thought my parents were going to get a divorce. They fought constantly. I wanted them to break up, because i was tired of hearing them yell. Sometimes i think my mom just likes to yell cause it makes her feel better. That is why i am a timid person. When you are severely yelled at for your entire life, you tolerate being put down so much that you become small. Dont get me wrong, i love my mother, i just hate the ugly person she becomes when shes in a bad mood and she feels the need to yell. Moving on... My parents are beginning to fight again. They have stopped fighting for as long as i have been in college, but its beginning again. Its over little things too. My mom doesnt like it when my dad stops to talk at church. Hes a deacon, thats what he does, and is supposed to do. Well, my mom hates it when he stays after, so she will scream at him if he stays too late. I feel bad for him, he just doesnt know quite what to do, they are two very different people. She loves him for being a good provider and taking care of me, He loves her because she is a good caretaker of the house, but under this are some twisted views. My dad is gone a lot, he works almost too much, and my mom gets lonely. I think because of her loneliness she lashes out. She is unable to stay up really late with him, since she gets up early for work, and he cannot go to bed early, so he will lay in bed for hours after she is asleep until he can actually fall asleep. I am afraid because i see mimiking qualities of my dad in Danny and my mom in me. now im not a yelling person, but i can be stubborn, and i go to bed early, and im not extremely social. Danny loves to stay up late and talk to people. I cant draw conclusions from this, but it still scares me. I wonder how happy my parents really are sometimes. Then i wonder if i really want to get married someday. I dont want to fight all the time. My parents are currently not on speaking terms. Sometimes i feel like my life is falling into pieces all around me. I try so hard to keep things afloat that i just cant keep picking up the pieces. My family is broken now (not only my parents) i feel like im a world behind in school, and graduate school essays are creepin in and i jsut want to send out applications. Its so hard. God will take care of me, and my family. His will, will be done and i will be happy... although now it feels like my world is falling apart. Its hard for me to express my feelings on all of this. Writing is like therapy for me. sometimes i feel like im falling down a hole, and im drowning. this was a thoroughly depressinng post... please pray for my family.
for those who would like to post comments, you do not need a blogger account to do so. You can even comment anonomously if you wish. please comment... please